Saturday, 21 December 2013

Bah Humbug! Our Anti-Christmas Playlist

Christmas shopping the most tedious thing in the world? Are all those decorations and fairy lights looking to you like tinder for one massive bonfire? Don't be a Grinch and ruin it for everyone else, just give these thirteen anti-Christmas tracks listen and unleash your inner Scrooge to the reassuring reminder that at least you're only made to endure the celebrations once each year.

Corey Taylor - 'X-MaS'
The Slipknot vocalist trades his usual mask for a bright green mankini - I'm not sure which is more terrifying - taking a pop at Hanukkah and Kwanzaa too. You know where to stick those jingle bells.

Fear - 'Fuck Christmas'
A forty-four second stocking filler from the LA punk band. But I'd say it conveys their message pretty much perfectly.

The Vandals - 'I Don't Believe In Santa Clause'
The sort of song that takes Greg Lake hostage, forces him to down a bottle of Jack, shoves him into a particularly violent pub brawl and abandons him in a wheelie bin at half three in the morning.

Pearl Jam - 'Let Me Sleep'
Eddie Vedder has convinced me there's only one possible way to escape the neverending torrent of overbearing; I'm going into hibernation until the horror subsides. Wake me up when December ends.

Miles Davis - 'Blue Xmas (To Whom It May Concern)'
Jazz fan or not, I'm sure all our inner Ebeneezers can relate to this one. The cynical finale to Columbia's 1962 'Jingle Bell Jazz' compilation criticises greed and cheapness of the whole debacle.

The Sonics - 'Don't Believe In Christmas'
There's a reason these 60s garage pioneers won't be joining the festivities. Not because they're Jehova's Witnesses, because last year they didn't get a single gift. Nudder. Diddly squat. What sort of celebration of consumerism is that?

The Showcase Showdown - 'Merry Christmas I Fucked Your Snowman'
Those charming Boston boys out spreading the festive cheer by stamping on presents, setting fire to decorations and defiling snowmen. Just imagine how cold that would be.

Tankard - 'Fuck Christmas'
The second of three songs in this list to have that particular name (any ideas who the third one's by?). Forget rocking, I'm head banging around my Christmas tree

Weezer - 'Christmas Celebration'
Ah yes Weezer: We won't drink eggnog like YOU. We won't buy presents like YOU. We won't do anything like YOU because we're individuals, just like the other million or so pop punks around.

Tom Lehrer - 'A Christmas Carol'
From Tom Lehrer now a more appropriate carol than 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful' or 'Good King Wenceslas'. One dedicated to the true meaning of Christmas... money.

Joss Stone - 'The Anti-Christmas Carol'
Be honest, if you saw Joss Stone had done a Christmas song would you not assume it was some sort of soulful 'Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas' cover? Not so. It would appear that Little Miss Stoker is also Little Miss Scrooge, writing the complete antithesis to Wizzard's mass shit, I mean smash hit.

Ren & Stimpy - 'I Hate Christmas'
It's not just us humans who can be a humbug, everybody's favourite Central European cartoon chihuahua - Ren - can be a right old miser when it comes to carols, lights and cheer too.

Eric Idle - 'Fuck Christmas'
Once again the Monty Python genius has struck the nail exactly bang on the head. This is precisely the sort of dismal Christmas gloom I've been searching for - mean-spirited and loaded full of expletives. We're British, we moan. Justification is hardly necessary.

The Anti-Anti-Christmas Playlist

CRUDBUMP - 'Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas'

Half Man Half Biscuit - 'It's Clich├ęd To Be Cynical At Christmas'

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